Section 4 - Finding

Activity - Create a Marital Action Plan

1. Make sure to speak my truth. Sometimes I'm inclined to hide that my feelings have been hurt or that I feel differently about something. We have remarkably few disagreements in our relationship and I think that when something does come up I'm often surprised. I'm also a conflict avoider, but I often need to kindly and clearly express myself and be vulnerable in order to move on from a hurt or a disagreement and not feel resentment.
2. Sandwich technique. Along with that, I plan to utilize the sandwich technique when bringing something up. It is important to me to be sensitive to Natalie and her feelings. She is never out to get me, and deserves only kindness.
3. Tell Natalie more stories about my life. It seems to me almost like Natalie has always been in my life, so I'm sometimes surprised when a story from, say, three years back gets brought up and I have to explain it to her. I shouldn't be surprised, nor should I become complacent about telling Natalie stories from my life, as it will help her to continually get to know me better and help us grow closer.
4. Every morning, make clear how excited I am to see Natalie. I often feel a little sluggish in the mornings, but I want to make sure that Natalie always feels that I am excited to see her (because I always am). I can do this by dropping what I'm doing and giving her a good morning hug or kiss, as well as asking her how she slept.
5. Make a list of 15 things we love that the other person does. We are going to then give those lists to each other and open them six months after we're married to make sure we are still doing those things the other person loves. #courtforlife
6. Remember that offense is never meant. I want this to always be toward the forefront of my mind when I feel hurt. This might not be true in every relationship, but with Natalie, offense really is never meant. I'm so grateful for that.
7. Ask Natalie more questions about her experiences. Similar to telling Natalie stories about my life, I want to be sure and ask her stories about hers! She has so many good ones, and I love hearing about her experiences, just like I would any best friend.

Things from Class

1. Criteria of Compatibility - Personal preferences vs complementary characteristics vs foundation factors. There are different levels of compatibility, so when we are evaluating a relationship, we should think about what level of compatibility is present. 
2. The Error is in the Extremes! - Personal appearance is important, but as with so many other things, it becomes bad when taken to an extreme (or neglected to an extreme). This is important to me because I definitely want to continue to look nice and fit for my wife (and myself), but I don't need to obsess about my appearance, spending inordinate amounts of time in the gym, etc.
3. Immature emotional regulation more than addiction - As Tammy said, the word, "pornography" is often inaccurately paired with "addiction." Instead, porn use is often an indication of an immature emotional regulation. I want to remember this particularly as I help my kids learn to properly emotionally regulate.
4. Invite them to be in a relationship with a better me - Relinquishing control of our partner's actions to focus on our own development is so liberating. It may be hard to accept, but the only person we really control is ourself.
5. The "Line" is Arousal - I found this insightful because, in order to understand the line, we have to understand our body's arousal. So, education again leads to healthy relationships.
6. Dating Apps and our Why - I can only imagine how prevalent datings apps will be when my children are dating. It was a good point Tammy made that they aren't all created equal. I hope to help my kids to understand that. Does it help you live your "why?"
7. Marital success apparently increases with age at marriage only up to the early- to mid-twenties - I just felt really good when I heard this because I'm getting married at 24. So excited!
8. The Rock Tumbler - We need to see those we date for their potential, not for their current polish. The rock tumbler takes some time to smooth out those rough corners!
9. Becoming as a Foundation - And along with our analysis of others, we should analyze ourselves first. We must become a right one so that we can find a right one. 
10. Parts > Whole Package - With all that, it is wrong for us to prioritize a couple of attributes that have nothing to do with foundation factors over the goodness of a person as a whole. How silly. You just cut people who might actually make great partners.

What are you going to do?

     As Natalie and I near marriage, it is extra important for me to remember where the line is, especially being a guy. The rules that Natalie and I have are personal so I won't include them here, but I am going to hold fast to those rules even when I don't want to. We are close, but we aren't married yet.

    Next time someone tells me about their usage of pornography, I am going to listen without judging and, if appropriate to their circumstances, teach them the truth that their usage may be more the result of poor emotional regulation than addiction. I will be there to support this person.

Other Resources

Latter-day Saints need open dialogue on pornography, researchers say

      An article from the daily universe about Brian Willoughby's research on how religious people vs non-religious people's views and understanding of pornography differs. Regarding pornography addiction, religious people are far more likely to label themselves as addicts when they really aren't. Citing the article, "A lot of religious people don’t have a lot of resources or information about even what is pornography addiction." I want to remember this because when it comes up in church or in conversation with friends, I want to be quick to help others understand what the truth is about addiction vs bad habits. People who are labeled as addicts may feel unduly hopeless.

Hanging Out, Hooking Up, and Celestial Marriage

     A BYU speech about proper finding practices. For one thing, finding some Cinderella with whom you will live a happy life without hiccup or mishap is a dangerous plan. For another, we should be more proactive looking for a spouse. That said, it can be scary to marry, so we need to exercise faith in the Lord and follow his guidance. I want to remember this article because I want to teach it to my kids. There is no one right person, there are many!