Section 3 - Becoming

Activity - Process Fear

I discussed a topic that I was having some anxiety about with my fiancee, Natalie. While I don't want to share the topic, it has to do with our upcoming marriage. At first I beat around the bush a little to get up the courage, and then I dove in. It wasn't very comfortable, but I pressed on and Natalie was super understanding and had lots of comforting things to say. It seemed like the discussion was over, but I was still feeling like I hadn't quite yet fully processed my fear for some reason. This led into a related topic I didn't know I was worried about until we started talking. Once we addressed that topic as well, I felt much better (though not perfect). It made me realize that these conversations don't always completely take our fear away, but they do allow us to understand it and deal with it in healthy ways. I'm so glad I was able to talk about it. Natalie is amazing.

Things from Class

  1. Finding Mr. Right vs Becoming Mr. Right - This rang so true to me and I want to remember it for my kids. There came a time about a year ago when I decided to take an introspective look at myself, take a break from dating, move home, and just recover a bit. I filled my time with rest and self improvement. It was directly following this period when I met Natalie and the rest is history :)
  2. "Giving into my fear of depression could have robbed me of one of my greatest blessings in life" - This quote from Tammy about her daughter struck me because fear really does make us miss out on blessings (which the Adversary is always encouraging us to do).
  3. Alcohol/Substance Abuse & Dependence - The #1 mental health challenge in the US. Wow, I'm so glad that I have the gospel in my life.
  4. Allowing Teenagers to Participate in Rule Making - Tammy says that this is a powerful technique for helping them feel respected and loved. This is so smart, because it encourages them to take responsibility for keeping the rules. I'm totally going to use this with my kids.
  5. Transitional Characters - “A transitional character is one who, in a single generation, changes the entire course of the lineage.  The changes might be for good or ill, but they break the mold.  They refute the observation that abused children become abusive parents…Their contribution to humanity is to filter the destructiveness out of their own linage so that generations down stream will have a supportive foundation upon which to build productive lives.” Dr. Carlfred Broderick (cited in Olsen et al., p. 137) 
  6. Listening Empathetically is Not the Same as Agreeing/Complying - This was both in the lecture and in John Gottman's The Man's Guide to Women. It is so relationship saving to understand that listening has nothing to do with a verdict on what is being said. It has to do with letting your partner know that, whatever your opinion about what they're saying, you "get it."
  7. The Backbone of Marriage is Integrity-Based Sacrifice - Integrity-based sacrifice isn't giving sacrificing begrudgingly or because one should. It's about willingly, even joyfully sacrificing for the relationship. This desire has to come from our "why."
  8. ATTUNEment
    1. Attend: Give your undivided emotional attention.
    2. Turn Toward: Face and eye connection while you talk.
    3. Understand: No matter what is being said, the goal is to understand. Ask questions! (Intellectual Pursuit)
    4. Nondefensively Listen: Regulate your reactions; don’t overreact.
    5. Empathize: Show compassion!  It is not about being right or wrong. (This is an Emotional Pursuit!!!)
  9. Scaling - A powerful, relatively quick way to stay in tune with your spouse. Have your spouse rate them self between 1 and 10 on the following categories:
    1. Physical
    2. Emotional
    3. Spiritual
    4. Intellectual
    5. Sexual
  10. Worth vs Worthiness - Worth never changes. I liked the example Tammy used of a $100 bill. It's worth $100 even when it is crumpled up or dirty. Worthiness, on the other hand, is determined by our choice of obedience. Important to keep those separate because remembering our worth can motivate us to worthiness.

What are you going to do?

     I am sending Natalie a scriptural thought every day for the next week in order to better live my why and be in touch with the spirit. This will help me to be more focused during my scripture study, as well as provide a tangible record of my spiritual learning. It is also nice to connect with Natalie on a spiritual level in the mornings.

     ATTUNE is something that I am going to do more often. Natalie tells me that I am a good listener (and I think she is, too), but I know that there is always room for improvement. Plus, ATTUNE is about more than listening--it has also to do with empathizing (the E). It isn't enough to lend an ear. One must also validate one's partner for them to feel fully understood and loved. So, every Sunday during weekly planning I am going to ask Natalie to scale herself in the areas we talked about in class, and practice ATTUNE as she answers.

Other Resources

Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear

      From Elder Uchtdorf: "It is true that fear can have a powerful influence over our actions and behavior. But that influence tends to be temporary and shallow. Fear rarely has the power to change our hearts, and it will never transform us into people who love what is right and who want to obey Heavenly Father" (emphasis added). This quote mirrors the one above from Tammy: "Giving into my fear of depression could have robbed me of one of my greatest blessings in life." One of the greatest blessings any of us can receive is to be transformed into "people who love what is right and who want to obey Heavenly Father," so it is important to recognize that fear will never get us there. Only perfect love, and faith in Christ.


     I thought this article had a few great suggestions for being a better listener to add to those we had in class and wanted to remember them.

  • Keep other people talking by asking questions that indicate you've been listening and would like to know more.
  • Use appropriate facial expressions.
  • Try going for a walk in the park or in your neighborhood.
  • Part of being a good listener is having the ability to stop thinking about yourself during the conversation.


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